Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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