Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
