Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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