I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
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