so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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