I wish I could punch you in the face.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
