I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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