I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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