sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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