Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
