id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
