Umm I'm too high to move.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
