That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize