two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We were destined to go to rehab together
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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