I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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