i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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