i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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