sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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