if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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