I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
