Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
