I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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