I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize