so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
