i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize