I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
