Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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