i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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