omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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