I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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