M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
pop tarts are not kleenex
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
