And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
