I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
