girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
