paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
