party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
