My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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