You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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