One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
