So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
