My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize