yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
