I cannot find my penis.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
