She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
