LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
