i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
