I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Did I show you my penis last night?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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