i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
