look no pants
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
