somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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