y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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