please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
