this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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