he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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