Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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