IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
