tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
