So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
