Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
