I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
