stop calling my apartment porn island.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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