I've blown a few things in my day
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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