the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
