the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
And then he peed in my hair
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