Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Randomize
