I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
