So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
